Tuesday, June 30, 2009

2 Years

  • 2 years ago today was the worst day of my life. I can't believe that it has already been 2 years. I find myself sometimes concentrating as hard as I can to remember the sound of his voice. I can still remember a few days before Nonie died standing on the side of the street, sobbing, and laying my head on his chest and hearing his heart beat and I remember thinking that my world had stopped spinning, like it always did when I found myself there. I can still smell him and can remember the feeling of his arms around my shoulders. I can still hear my name coming from his mouth and see him smoothing down his mustache with his bottom lip after he had a sip of coke. I can still see his face for what would be the last time as I pulled out of the driveway of my home, my safe place. I never dreamed I would find myself here at this point in my life, alone--without my hero--my Tex. I never dreamed that I wouldn't see him hold his first grandchild. I never dreamed that I wouldn't be able to run to Penn's with him again. I never dreamed that I would never again lay my head on his chest and hear his heart beat and feel his chest rise and fall with breath. I never dreamed that I would be in this place 2 years later.
  • As I rocked Rory the other night I found myself talking to her, as I often do, about her Papa. I told her that he would have spoiled her rotten. I told her that although he never held her while sitting in the rocker, that he would have if he had the chance. I told her that he would have taken her golfing and fishing and done all sorts of fun things with her. I told her that she would have loved him and thought that he hung the moon. I told her that they would have been quite the pair and that he would have had some crazy nickname for her...something only he would call her. I told her that he would have loved her...that he does love her. I told her that he watches over her, and her Daddy and I, everyday. I told her that the birthmark on the back of her neck in her hairline was from her Papa. That he kissed her as she was leaving heaven on the back of her neck to remind her, and us, that he is behind her in all that she does, just like he would have been here on Earth. I told her that she is the best parts of him, all wrapped up in an undeniably cute package.
  • I held her last night and giggled at her not quite shut eyes as she slept and laughed because he did the same thing and it drove me crazy. I held her little hand and rejoiced in the fact that it looked like a mini version of mine, and that mine looked like his. I secretly giggled to myself when I thought about "the look" and how some how, even at 6 months, she had it down pat--chin down, eyes cut up and head slightly tilted. I have seen it many times, but hadn't realized how much I missed it. I told her what a blessing she was and how I would tell her all about him and that she would know him through me. I snuggled her close and wrapped her up, with her little head on my chest, just over my heart and I knew that I had been here before. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes and took comfort in the feeling of her breath on my skin. For a second I could have sworn that I felt him there...standing right next to me with his hand on my hand on her back. I slammed my eyes open and whipped my head straight up and it was then that I saw it...the sweetest, toothless smile, had spread across her face in her sleep...I was right...he was there, like always. Rory felt it too.
  • Dad...I miss you more and more. I promise that I will tell Rory all about you, I promise that she will know you, I promise that I will do my best to make you proud. I only hope that I can be a fraction of the parent to Rory, that you were to me. I love you, I always will. Forever - Your Fritz.


Trice said...

So Sweet.

Lauren said...

Glad to know that some one still reads my blog...I was beginning to wonder!

Thanks Trice!

Candi said...

I still read your blog :) It was very sweet and Rory will always know how great your dad was through your stories.

Colleen said...

Lauren, I thought about you both as I drove past your momma's house on my way home from work. It's hard to believe it's been 2 years... I'm sure Rory will always know her grandpa loves her.

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